30 Something; Motherhood Part I, “Mom Guilt”
I feel like every post starts with “it's been a while” or it's “so hard to start writing”, but I feel like this one especially has been extra long in between. A lot has been happening over the last few weeks. I was able to spend a few days in Illinois with my friends and family and on that trip dropped my son off for a week to stay with his grandparents while I am back in Colorado. Being back home in my daily work and life routine sans kiddo has carved out a lot of time for my husband and I as well. So within that brings up 3 topics that are very present for me; friendship, motherhood and marriage. So now it is a matter of where I want to start.
This has been the first time that I have spent more than 2-3 days away from my son, EVER. It is bringing up a lot of different thoughts and feelings for me including; gratitude for this amazing little man, mom guilt, sadness, relief, longing… the list goes on and on. The countdown of when I will see him next started immediately. 10 whole days and nights away from each other. At the time I am writing this, I am on day 6 of 10 and the time is going extremely slow in terms of when I get to see him but extremely fast when it comes to the length of my todo list before he comes back. I have been trying to find a balance between productivity, relaxation and indulgence. I thought the mom-guilt of laying around or doing a whole lot of “nothing” would disappear when he isn’t here but it doesn't. There is still a list of “shoulds and coulds” a mile long. If I don’t get it done now then I have to do it when he is here and it takes my time away from him or I should take advantage and finally deep clean the house, meal prep, shop…etc. The list is endless.
This got me thinking about mom guilt and how I think every single one of us have experienced this in one way or another. “Mom guilt” is the term used to describe feelings of guilt or inadequacy parents and caregivers can experience regarding their kids. While there are different types of “mom guilt” it ultimately stems from feeling the need to meet all the parenting “shoulds” and making the “best” and “right” choices for your child.
Causes of Mom Guilt:
-Comparing yourself to others
-Different parenting styles from those around you
-Critiques and advice from family, friends and doctors or “child experts”
-Not feeling a “perceived way” or needing time to yourself
-Not meeting your own or other’s expectations
This list is also endless…
Another aspect of “mom-guilt” I want to explore is the guilt that expands outside of just our “motherly duties”, as if there is anything that feels outside of that, which IS THE POINT. We begin to feel guilty for not taking care of the needs of our partners or friendships, mentally showing up 100% at work, taking care of the house, the pets, other family members, ourselves… and God forbid we aren’t thinking about how every single aspect of these other facets doesn’t affect our child at every turn. PHEW… that’s a run on sentence filled with a lot of run on GUILT.
So what do we do? Well as I am sure a lot of us have been told; “just don’t feel guilty” or “stop worrying about it”. Problem solved. End of post. You're welcome.
Just kidding!! I come with a little more insight than that. While I have no idea how to completely diminish any of this guilt, especially for an “over-thinker” and “over-feeler” like myself, I can hopefully help us look at ways to soften the noise. Let’s start by looking at some of the “causes” I listed above.
Comparing Ourselves to Others: Oh comparison. I just wrote a whole post on this a few weeks ago. While it can be helpful in some ways and is absolutely natural it can also stop us from listening to our gut and following our own path. A path that usually makes everyone in our orbit much happier because it’s one that feels most genuine to us, so we aren’t fighting it at every turn. We can’t necessarily avoid comparison but we can veer from it.
Social media is a WONDERFUL place to get a whole lot of everything; good and bad. While we can find helpful tools, hacks and even validation in some cases, we can also find a lot of “shoulds” and “coulds”. We get snippets of people’s lives and usually the best versions instead of the full picture. I know all this and I STILL love me some social media, so what do I do?
- I limit who and what I follow.
-I know my intention going in: Am I opening up this page for mindless scrolling and mediocre entertainment? GREAT. Or am I looking for specific advice, recommendations or validation: still GREAT but be mindful.
My next point of comparison blends in with two other points so I will address those together.
Differing Parenting Styles/Critiques From Others: I am the first to share ALL of the nitty gritty with anyone who will listen. I share the amount of screentime we had, how sometimes I lose it, the type of music we listen to, how if I had a swear jar it may make us a profit… all of it. Then I am aghast when someone shares their opinion or offers their advice. Most of the time I get immediately defensive and then feel guilty or spin in my head for a week or so and then the cycle continues.
While the solution may be obvious it isn’t/wasn’t to me. I love sharing, talking and being vulnerable. I mean that’s what I am doing right now… but I had to look at a few of my reasons behind why I share and what I am expecting out of the exchange.
Know Your Why
Before I share, I have to ask myself “WHY?”. I realized that most of the time I was sharing for acceptance and validation. I want to know that the way I am proceeding as a mom is OKAY or that others do it or to simply get permission. But if I am going into a conversation expecting “permission” I will often be disappointed. We all have our own values, our views on the world and our own personal experiences. We respond to others with our own history, background and views. While we can do so with compassion and curiosity it is not someone else’s responsibility to give me permission or the green light to proceed the way I want; that is up to me.
State Your Expectations
Once we know our “why” we get an idea of what we are expecting. Maybe I am sharing for compassion, connection and validation, or perhaps I actually want advice on how to x,y, or z, OR maybe I just want to vent and just need someone to receive it. Once we know our own why and state it to ourselves then we can share with others. This gives them a chance to process and respond in a way that is genuine to them as well. Sometimes we have the capacity to sit and let someone vent or offer compassion and sometimes we simply don’t.
If we give others a chance to know what is expected of them or even let ourselves know, “you are expecting this so be aware you may not receive exactly that”, then we set everyone involved up for a little more success.
Look Inward; Know Your Values and Give Yourself Permission:
As I mentioned before we all have our own set of values, experiences and boundaries. What may be acceptable to you may not be to someone else and vice versa. And that is OKAY. While we all need moments of validation and understanding, we have to try to give it to ourselves first. Know your values and your “hard boundaries”.
For example: I know families who have dinner at the table together every night and that is something that is non negotiable for them as it may be their only time together each day. They make sure that is a priority and they plan around those moments. For others they may do dinner while watching a show or a movie or all have dinner on the go most nights. Should we praise or shame one parenting style over the other? NO! Does that mean one values their family time more than the other? Also NO!
We need to know our values, our love for our family and children and give ourselves permission for all the different ways that we might move through life before turning outward.
Who to Confide in
This is one that is hard for me as I will tell anyone and everyone my life. However, I often do so without checking off the following three “steps”, and that can lead to a lot of natural comparison and mom guilt. I am also learning to look at WHO I am talking to and their experiences and values before I share something that I may need validation or understanding in. I have always approached most relationships the same; all or nothing. But as I am meeting more mom friends, work friends and continuing to grow with my childhood friends; I realize that they each give me support in different ways.
Not Meeting Perceived Expectations or Feeling a Specific Way: Over the last few years women have been more open about sharing their birth stories, struggles to conceive, postpartum depression or baby blues, exhaustion, daily overwhelm.. Etc. Yet there is STILL this lingering pressure to feel magical and glowing when pregnant, or fall instantly in love with your child after birth and to parent all the days after with warmth, patience, understanding and never take a moment for granted. Whether we know it or not, growing up with a narrative of womanhood/motherhood that has been pushed on us by society, family, media and our own expectations; doesn’t just fall away because we finally received permission.
Even though things are slowly changing or at least being talked about more, moms still have this pressure to do it all and put our needs last. Whether it is said or not, if something is NOT done; our kid doesn’t bring snacks for preschool on their day, someone forgets to pack weather appropriate gear during a new season, emails to the teacher aren’t responded to; chances are eyes are going to turn to us, the mammas! Warranted or not, it is A LOT on our todo list.
Delegate and (once again) State Expectations:
Whether we have a partner we are sharing responsibilities with, a team of extended family or friends or simply have our growing kiddo as our teammate; we may have some options to share the responsibilities.
I am AWFUL at this. I have this notion that everyone around me should see what needs to be done and DO IT. BUT if they do it; 1. It better be the “right” way and 2. I will probably feel guilty for not doing it first. So in return everyone is walking on eggshells and I am just running around yelling all the tasks I completed that I never asked for help with in the first place.
So instead:
Step 1- I need to know WHEN I need help and give myself grace and permission to not do it all.
Step 2- If I am asking for help, I have to work on not micromanaging it and letting whoever is taking over actually TAKE OVER.
Step 3- Delegate to everyone, including my parenting partner but not limited to just them. I need to be better at giving my son more responsibility and trust. He loves helping and being in charge of his own activities and chores. I just end up doing it because I want it done in a certain way or at a certain pace. We also have to remember that teachers have a lot of resources and tips. Don’t be afraid to use whatever community you and your child have around you.
Step 4- What happens happens. We are all doing our BEST.
Be Aware of Your Narrative:
For me just being aware is the first step. Not only aware of the narrative that most of us grew up with but also of my own narrative.
The voice in my head often says things like “ugh you should have done more”, “you can’t rest now because he will be home soon”, “he has watched way too much TV,” “you haven’t been available enough for your family”, “this shouldn’t be so hard, suck it up”. Frankly, she won’t shut up and she rarely says anything nice! But since she is ME, well it’s technically in my control, it just takes A LOT of practice and awareness.
Very similar to what I stated above; narrowing down my values, “hard boundaries”, and figuring out my “why” helps me to let go of certain expectations I may hold for myself. I also stay aware of the narrative I am feeding myself daily and attempt to stay mindful.
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What I Want for My Son:
The bottom line is we have all of this guilt surrounding our family, specifically our children BECAUSE we want the BEST for them. We love them SO freaking much that we put so much pressure on ourselves to do it JUST right. But would I want that for my son? Would I want him holding onto loads of guilt daily, or telling himself that he isn’t enough, or losing sight of the now because he is making a list of SHOULDS and COULDS!? No, not at all.
I want him to know every minute how capable and amazing he is, to look around and appreciate the moment and those who love him, and to give himself permission to make mistakes or even “fail”.
We can “teach” that and voice that a million times over but what kids really internalize is what they experience, see and feel. So love yourself the way you are loving on that perfect little human because you too are a perfect little human that deserves every ounce of the same love, respect and permission to just BE.
