30 Something; Letting Go of Comparison
Last week I talked about identity and the “stories we tell ourselves”. Almost everything I write on in this series will involve identity in one form or another. The biggest changes in my 30’s have been how I see and think of myself and the new identities and stories I attach to myself in this stage. For me my 30’s have been the first time in my life where I am attempting to look inward more than I do outward. Most of our life we are almost forced to look outside of ourselves, to compare ourselves in order to assess our successes, failures, social status, hobbies and then careers. As humans it is innate for us to surround ourselves with others and find our place within a group. It’s how we survived. Even now it is how we spend the first 20 plus years of our life. By the time we are in our thirties our pack has become a little smaller and a little more intentional. We start making decisions that are more based on what is best for ourselves; what fits within our values, wants and needs. Or much like myself, we finally have a moment where everything seems to slow and we find ourselves in the present. No longer always looking back or planning ahead; but in the now. And it is at that moment that we start to reflect on “HOW we got here” and “WHO we want to be going forward”.
Letting Go of Comparison
I asked a few close friends what topics come to mind when they think about this phase in their life and what comes up. One thing that came up again and again; whether is was specifically named or felt in an overall sentiment, was the idea that this period can hopefully be about letting go of comparison and the feeling that we are supposed to be in a certain life stage or have certain boxes checked off; the acceptance that where we are and who we are in this very moment IS ENOUGH.
Since the moment we are born there are milestones that we are expected to hit. We are expected to meet a specific height and weight right off the bat, followed by 3-5 years of developmental milestones. Once we have reached the appropriate milestones we start school around 5 that launches on a 12 year journey of more milestones, checking off boxes and measuring ourselves against societal norms, those in our stratosphere and our own goals or expectations. AND THEN, for those of us who are now in our 30’s, we were then expected to go straight to college adding 4-6 more years of education; more boxes, expectations and milestones, during which we were also expected to come out of this period with great friends, a partner and or a successful career path where we find a whole other set of expectations. PHEW
We are essentially hardwired to compare ourselves, meet expectations set by something or someone other than ourselves, and to be within a specific stage by a certain age. So now we are in our 30’s and we have spent most of our life looking outward, making sure that we are performing as we are supposed to, and completing the next step until we find ourselves here; at a stage with no ONE path, no longer constantly surrounded by peers our age all following a similar trajectory and the “freedom” to finally catch our breath and reflect on where we are who we are.
I know some of the milestones I mentioned are there for a reason; I can write/talk about developmental milestones all day and have several blog posts on them myself! The point is we start this life by meeting goals and expectations which are necessary to stay healthy, alive and informed for the first few years of our lives. So it makes sense that by our 30’s we are still trying to figure out where we fall in comparison to those around us.
As someone who has checked off a fair amount of “socially acceptable” boxes; husband, kid, home owner, career (or a start of one)... I can say that for me, more than ever I realize those things hold nothing if I am not “me” within them. I CHOSE motherhood, I CHOSE marriage I CHOSE to pursue a specific career path but I realize I have to continue to choose those everyday. I have to be intentional and present and find my “identity” within where I find myself each day. If we continue to just check the boxes, go through life on autopilot or live to keep up with our peers, friends, and NOW the entire world thanks to social media; we will “wake up” one day and think “how did I get here, who am I now?” A form of that absolutely happened to me as I mentioned in my last post and it took some reflecting and redefining, but ultimately the choices I made were all ones I wanted, I just needed to figure out how to define myself within them instead of allowing them to define me.
I can’t talk about this time or role in my 30’s without acknowledging a couple things. One is my privilege and means to be able to make certain choices and gain control over it and the other is the generation and time I find myself in. While I think a lot of women have found more independence or reflection within their 30’s, the choices we have now are much different than my grandmother’s generation or even my mother’s. Not only are our “options” broader but so is the support, resources and information out there that promotes self reflections, autonomy over our bodies and decisions, healing from childhood trauma, therapy… etc. The journey I find myself on now is one that I see my mother and other family members and friends taking in their 60’s. I think that is a big reflection of the time we find ourselves in as well.
Fact Check
Here are a few statistics that highlight the changing “norms” for women around this stage in life.
According to Census Bureau analysis and National Center for Health Statistics, data shows that fertility rates of women ages 20-24 declined by 43%, while those of women ages 35-39 increased by 67% between 1990-2019.
In the United States, the median age of women’s first marriage has risen from 20.1 years old in 1956 to 27.1 for women in 2016. According to the same article from University of Houston, researchers identified several reasons more and more women are choosing not to get married including; infidelity, increasing career opportunities, and independence.
Over the last 50 years the marriage rate in the U.S had dropped nearly 60%. The way we think about marriage is shifting, many life events we link to marriage; having children or cohabitating are increasingly occurring outside of marriage. Susan Brown, co-director of the National Center for Family and Marriage Research, states that the number of women entering their first marriage between the ages of 40 and 59 has jumped 75% since 1990.
According to the United States Census Bureau, in 2021, the percentage of women 25 and older who had earned a bachelor’s degree or higher was 36.1% compared to 33.9% of men.
…I could go on and on listing a “million” more statistics, but my point is there is no one trajectory for women to fulfill by a specific age, or at all, and there doesn’t have to be!
Research also shows that our prefrontal cortex, which controls complex thinking, decision-making, impulse control and personality, isn't fully formed until at least 25. There are additional studies that even push the age of full brain development well into our 30’s. I will absolutely touch more on this in another post about this series, but for now I want to drive home the fact that; wherever you find yourself in this stage of life is more than okay!
Enjoying Life Where You Are
We spend the first 20 plus years of our life following a trajectory set for us in one form or another. For the most part we are surrounded by peers or find ourselves in “groups” that make comparison natural and innate. It becomes extremely easy and even instinctual to compare ourselves to those around us, making sure we are on the right path. Especially now with social media and the entire world at our fingertips, looking outward for reassurance and validation is easier than ever. It is in those moments, for me in my 30’s, when we put our phones down, find our circle has gotten smaller, and acknowledge that there is no ONE trajectory; that we find ourselves exactly where we are.
Now will we like what we find? I don’t know, but that is not up to anyone else. If we live our life based on the perceived “next step” or in comparison with others we are much more likely to lose ourselves in the process. I will also talk more about mental health, therapy, and processing past trauma in later posts as that is all part of the journey a lot of us must take to feel at peace or have the tools to process where we are in the moment.
I Leave You with This
As someone who lived most of her life looking at what everyone else was doing; comparing my relationships, my body, my clothes, my friendships, my career… I found myself in a lot of situations that I struggled with because it’s what I thought I SHOULD do. My first job after undergrad was one that I picked because it seemed like the ideal step as it was a sought after internship when in reality it had nothing to do with my passion, my skills or where I saw myself going. I have found myself in relationships or pursuing relationships for the same reasons with the logic of “everyone else is in one, I should be too”, or I kept friendships longer than I should have and again I lost myself within it, because I was never truly there in the first place.
The life that I have made for myself up to this point; my job, my writing, my husband, my friendships and my child are aspects of my life that I continue to choose. Not because I feel obligated to but because it’s where I am. I come back to it, nourish it and grow in it because each one of those areas holds a piece of me. If I lose a bit of myself, as we all do at times, I know where to look first. We will never truly find ourselves in the aspects of life that we pick due to comparison or trying to check boxes to keep up; But we can lose ourselves there. It is in the moments that we choose something because we feel it within us that we plant seeds and grow. So trust yourself, trust your journey and let’s make our 30’s or whatever decade we find ourselves in right now; the decade we stop comparing ourselves and start planting seeds and paving ways!
