Where We Find Ourselves..
I like to write reflections along with each story my grandmother shares. I think it’s an important piece of this journey for both of us. It’s a reminder that no one’s story is singular. It is also a reminder of how amazing and meant to be each individual truly is; look at everything that HAD to happen just to get to ‘YOU’. Our existence, the ability to even begin our own story, depends so heavily on so many little things.
As a kid you see ‘your world’ as ‘the world’, until little by little you are exposed to more experiences and information. Even with more knowledge our own lives just exist as facts, for better or worse; this is my home, this is my family, this is my town... It’s not until a little later that we step back and have the ability and/or desire to attempt to look at the whole picture. Even then, it still has a sense of ‘this is what it is’. For me, I liken it a little bit to this fact that I have heard bounced around a few times ‘the human is incapable of visualizing a new color.’ It simply can’t be done. To even attempt to try, one would have to start to build on what they already know. While this idea is a little more based in science than my following example is, I still liken this to imagining another life outside of what we know. Now, of course we all have the ability to daydream, create, rewrite and reimagine a new life for ourselves or to create a fictional one that can feel just as real; but we are each building from our own experiences and views on the world.
With that in mind, I can’t truly imagine a childhood outside of the town I grew up in, Champaign Urbana, or the family that I had surrounding me. Our environment plays a huge role in shaping us; our views on the world, the opportunities we are provided, the community we are surrounded by.. It all plays a part. Knowing that life is made up of a mix of circumstance, choices and chances it’s very surreal to actually get to see what pieces played out in creating just that. My grandparents knew that they wanted to build a different life for themselves and their children; arguably a ‘safer’ life with more opportunity. They made huge decisions and moves, but to see WHERE we ended up was by chance and circumstance feels oddly out of my comprehension.
I couldn’t imagine living 28 plus years outside of where I did, because I truly have no other experience to pull from. Wherever we start out is our baseline and we build from there. I think more than ever it weighs so heavily on me because of the state of the world right now. No one individual is born better than another, we are born into what we know. While you can argue freedom of choice, maybe, we aren’t even born with the same choices presented. It’s a color scheme some don’t have to pull from, so how can they imagine a new one?
The point is, it’s not lost on me all the things that had to happen; the sacrifices, the decisions, and the circumstances that lead to me even existing let alone leading the life I am right now.
And the story is just beginning…
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We arrived in Elkhart Indiana, which was beautiful but small. Uncle Carlos was the director of the hospital, Elkhart Memorial Hospital, and they lived on “superior boulevard”. Some details you never forget. They had this beautiful home that looked like it was straight out of a magazine. Everything was so immaculately clean, decorated and in its place. Meanwhile here we arrived; me extremely pregnant and a one year old boy who was walking and getting into everything. I can’t imagine what aunt Florence was feeling, I know I was very tense but before you know it Ralph kind of took over the house. He would be in the kitchen playing with pots and pans and exploring all over, but they allowed him to just be at home there, they fell in love with him. Ralph was crazy about uncle Carlos, he would wait for him at the door to get home from work and crawl up on his lap. They really had a special bond.
We wouldn’t go out of the house much, sometimes we would visit downtown, but it was really just too cold. We had never experienced that type of extreme cold before. Uncle Carlos had bought Ralph a snowsuit and he would go outside and play but still not often. Henry would go out more as he was in search of a job but the problem was he didn’t speak English. I thought there is no way he is going to get hired here without knowing the language. He would come back everyday so discouraged that he knew he couldn't get a job in Elkhart. But, we had a friend that moved to Champaign Urbana years before, Oscar Lara. He had come to study at the U of I and Henry called him and he said ‘come to Champaign Urbana and I guarantee you will get a job here’ so we knew we had to try. We had to wait for my second baby to come though, and then after that we would plan on moving to Champaign IL.
