Learning to Trust in our Children

“Mom, just trust me”. These words spoken by my five year old hit hard. While he didn’t outwardly pose a question, he was asking me at that moment; “Mom can you trust me to know my limits? To make the right decisions on my own? And can you show me that you believe in me?”

This request of his came after the usual piling of demands that happen around bedtime; “Go to the bathroom. Brush your teeth. Don’t do that but do THAT. Are you listening!?” His response let me know that he is indeed listening but that I may not be listening to him. He knows what to do, he knows that there is a routine and a specific bedtime and he also knows that his mom is a controlling disaster that sees any sort of play or fun around bedtime as an act of defiance. So can I trust him? Can I allow him to be his silly fun self while still trusting that he will get done what needs to get done? Can I?

Trust: firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

The beauty of children is that their words and requests hold the simplest of truths. There is no underlying meaning or a million ways to pick apart what they say. So when my five year old son says “trust me,” it makes me hear those words in a whole new way. “Believe in me, let me be me.” The older I get, especially being a wife and a parent, I realize that trust has to be a verb. It is not enough for me to say “of course, I trust you” but I must put it into action. As a “type A” and self-proclaimed control freak, actively showing trust in those I love is a PROCESS. Do I think “you” are capable and reliable and worthy of making your own informed decisions? ABSOLUTELY! Do I think that if I tell you my very strong opinions, expectations and concerns about said situation and walk through it with you each step of the way it may turn out better? ABSOLUTELY!

It has taken me years to realize that my biggest issue lies somewhere between having faith in and trusting in life itself. That there is only so much you can control and learning to let go and let be is my biggest hurdle. So when I started building relationships throughout my life the whole idea of ‘not only do I have to take what life has to throw at me but NOW I have to have faith that a whole other functioning human being will act accordingly!?’ just really threw me.

When I became a parent a part of me thought FINALLY, now THIS I was born to do; raise someone to know right from wrong, help them make the BEST decisions, keep them safe at every turn AND literally be their tour guide through life. I was BORN to control, I mean raise, this little person.

Harsh yet wonderful reality check: we are not their tour guides because it is not our map, it is theirs. We are just on the treasure hunt to see who they are with them. And while yes we are raising these wonderful little people who don’t even know how to hold their heads up upon arrival, the idea that they are not already their own fully formed wonderful selves and that we have any REAL control over who they are is laughable and detrimental. So I am learning to nurture, guide, observe, sometimes follow and even trust, but never control.

So how do we actively show our little ones that we trust them? How do we let go in certain areas and physically show them “Hey, I believe in your ability and truth” when they JUST got here 5 years ago!? Well, first and foremost we trust ourselves. We trust that as caregivers we have taught them right from wrong, how to be kind, and to know what the next step is in routines and in everyday life, and that they can ALWAYS come to us. Once we trust in ourselves as parents just enough to step back and give our little ones room to grow and make mistakes, then we are taking the next step: teaching THEM to trust in THEMSELVES. “If my mom thinks I can do it, if she is not hovering over me waiting for me to make one wrong misstep or swoop in to “help”, then she must believe in me, so then I should too.”

For a recovering control addict such as myself it is all about baby steps. So here are some basic steps in giving your child more freedom and space to show what they are capable of and to build that trust both ways:

-Set time limits/timers for tasks and then walk away or just keep them company while they complete tasks on their own (This is something I want to start trying during bedtime. He wants me around, but not micromanaging. So for my task oriented brain giving him a few things to get done and a time to get it done by, helps show him I trust him to be independent, while also naturally keeping him on track).

-If you feel like saying something during a task or as a reminder, (ME! I HAVE TO CONSTANTLY TALK) make it encouraging, reassuring and genuine. He knows when I am sneaking in some controlling vibes with reminders disguised as “conversation” so I instead try things like “I see you working hard on brushing your teeth!” or “Can you show me what comes next?”

-If something doesn’t have to be done a specific way then let them do it THEIR way. Examples are; picking out their clothes, brushing their hair, picking up their room…etc. For me this is so hard as I have strong opinions on clothes and hair and where things go BUT in the long run it DOES NOT MATTER, showing him I trust his opinions and decisions with tasks that can go several different ways is a small step that means the world to his independence.

-If they don’t ask for help THEN DON’T HELP. Another difficult one for me! So hard not to intervene on a puzzle, on homework, getting dressed or really any task. But by not waiting for him to reach out to me and intervening immediately I am unintentionally showing him; I don’t think you can do it.” So instead maybe just say “I am here if you need me”, then CHILL. (note to self)

-Just talk and be open about the process. The ONE thing on this list I can say I do well is just being honest with him. I tell him that I am working on not controlling everything and that it is something I have worked on for a while in a lot of aspects in life. He knows it is not an intentional reflection on him and he has the words now to correct me. But he also knows it is mine to own and work on.

I never realized how big an issue just letting go and trusting was for me until I had a child that required trust to grow. That is the BEAUTIFUL and challenging thing about having kiddos, they unintentionally bring to light all the things you are still working on as THEY also work on them.

Yes, I am the parent, his safe place, his voice of encouragement and reassurance, and the adult. But it is also okay to GROW with them, and show them that we never stop learning, making mistakes and growing too.

So to my little, thanks for trusting in me enough to ask me to TRUST you back. In a sense your existence and worthiness is something that I have never TRUSTED in more, the rest I promise I am working on.