Part II: Connection Seeking; Giving Each Other Some Grace

I was 12 years old at an all girls sleepover party. The age where judgement, whispers and clicks run rampant. I never thought to challenge that or go against the grain. I was probably the leader of some of that with my whole judge or be judged mentality. I remember being picked up by my mom before the actual sleep part of the party and hearing the other mom say “Olivia was quite the entertainer tonight.” My mom looked at me as I looked away. She knew what I knew; that I had done something above and beyond to get noticed, to be the center of attention, to make an impression. For some reason the activity I picked at this particular event was to try to drink milk out of my nose with a straw to see if it could come out of my eye. I failed, and ended up with a bloody runny nose. I was never the best at reading the room before going all in. A group of preteen girls may not have been my target audience for this little stunt but I committed. I waved goodbye like the unsung hero I pretended to be. The wild one, the daring one… the one with snot running down her face. SUCCESS.

Ever since I was little I had a need to be the center of attention. I was wonderfully dramatic, full of ideas and a voice that needed to be heard. In my heart I was and still am an entertainer. An extrovert to the core until I have reached fully charged then I retreat to my little corner of contemplation, journaling and reflection. What was perceived as “attention seeking” was actually how I sought out connection. Where most people find self preservation in showing a little of themselves at a time, I had the exact opposite approach. If I show all of me; lead with the shocking, the annoying, and the unforgiving and someone doesn’t run away then I am safe. I won’t later have to deal with the disappointment of them leaving after they have found out something they don’t like or can’t handle as I have already shown my hand. I’ll dial down for you but I will start at full volume.

It took me years to realize in myself that my attention seeking behavior was actually that of connection seeking. Here is all of me; the loud, the messy, the embarrassing bits. If you love me for me, then I promise I will love you for you. Connection. There are softer sides of me that are inquisitive, remorseful, and patient but you will see those later, as I lead with intensity. I believe that many others have a similar approach to life; children and grownups alike, all just trying to be seen and heard by being as loud as possible. And for those that may go through life a little quieter and reserved, well if they are acting out in an “attention seeking manner”, then shouldn’t we REALLY pay attention?

What if we changed our whole mentality about attention seeking? Not just for children but for each other. If we walk around thinking “connection seeking behavior” instead, then maybe the next time we see someone acting in a way that makes them seem like “ugh they just want to be seen”, well what if we SEE them? I am talking about simple gestures; a smile, a positive remark, or leading with less judgement. Instead of closing ourselves off to certain behaviors that we don’t understand or even find a bit “annoying” what if we just left the door cracked open?

I want to clarify that I am not talking about bending our personal boundaries for others or ignoring/excusing harmful attention seeking behavior. Instead I am suggesting a shift in our mindset to consider “oh are they connection seeking?” THEN assess the situation for yourself.

Validation Vs. Connection

I mentioned briefly in my last post about connection seeking and our children that “attention seeking” is defined as seeking validation. Validation is “the action of checking or providing the validity or accuracy of something.” Our littles need to be validated. Their cries and need for comfort are asking “mom, am I doing this human thing right?” Since we are fellow humans, hello, and are learning ourselves that there is no REAL right or wrong to this humaning thing we can reassure them and validate them “Yes, I know this is hard, I see you, and YOU are doing great.” However it is also our job to help them grow up to be able to validate themselves and no longer seek it from us or anyone on the outside. I let my son know that I am here to guide him when I can, here to lean on and ask questions to, but that no one knows him better than HIM. It is our job to help our children discover themselves, not our job to tell them who they are.

I swear my mom parented and lived/lives in a way that our generation and the current generation are finally “discovering” and semi taking credit for. She is what would be considered now “very trendy” but back then, to an angsty pre-teen me, she was pure “nonsense”. She journaled, meditated, talked about gut health and “listening to your inner self”. So believe me when I say that the idea of seeking validation from the outside world did NOT come from her, but you know, EVERYWHERE else. We grew up in a world that paved the way for MySpace, then Facebook and Instagram and every other form of social media that is inviting you to look outward for self worth, not inward. So you can imagine with my outgoing personality and societal need for acceptance, that HELL YEAH I was searching for validation as well as connection.

I am still struggling with this today but I am beginning to realize the biggest difference between attention seeking and connection seeking is seeking validation. It is OKAY and human and normal to want to feel like you are seen and understood by others. To know that someone really SEES you for who you are and accepts you. But part of seeking those connections is learning that you will not, and are not supposed to connect with everyone. Some people will not like you, and will NOT choose to respond to your call for connection and will hit “ignore”. And while I am still coming to terms with the fact that not everyone likes me, it is the truth of course, and for those who start off first impressions with straw tricks up our nose, it's a reality that becomes apparent quickly.

So how can we help ourselves and our children learn to understand the difference between attention seeking and connection seeking once and for all? By making sure we are not searching outward to be told that we are enough or that we are who we should be, and instead helping figure that out for ourselves. That no matter WHAT someone says, we are and will always be ENOUGH. Again, the difference is validation. How can we look outward to “check the validity or accuracy of something” when that something is US. They have never been us, so they can’t validate shit. BUT what we can seek to find within someone else is maybe someone who is also struggling with something similar, or finding joy in the little things we do, or shares some deeper energy with us that even we don’t understand; someone that we are undeniably linked to. Connection.