Attention Seeking or Connection Seeking
This week is going be a 2 part post! I am excited to really explore the idea of attention seeking vs. connection seeking; How it relates to children, the way we respond as parents to this “behavior,” as well as how this concept relates to us as adults. Are we all just trying to find some sort of connection and be seen? And how does changing our point of view of others actions as well as our own help nurture this idea of connection seeking vs. attention seeking?
This first blog entry will focus on the parenting aspect of it in relation to our kiddos. I remember seeing posts going around that read something like “what if we stopped calling kids attention-seeking and started calling them connection-seeking, and see how our perspective changes?” Just reading those simple words made the world of difference in how I viewed my child. I believe this generation of parents are all about positive reframing. We are really taking the time to talk to our children about aspects of life that may have been shown in a negative light; emotions, mental health, how we view our bodies, social injustices, privilege...etc. By reframing concepts or discussing topics that earlier generations swept under the rug. I believe we are hoping to raise a generation that is comfortable exploring every aspect of life and will be able to have open and honest conversations with one another. So, in the spirit of “reframing” let’s discuss this idea of attention seeking vs. connection seeking.
(Now in most of my posts I am discussing this topic from my point of view as a mom and using my opinion and experiences. Attention seeking, like most behaviors, can reach an unhealthy extreme and can be part of a mental health diagnosis or cause to seek professional help or opinions, this is NOT the attention seeking I am talking about).
Attention Seeking is defined as positive or negative behavior that is used to “elicit attention or validation”. I am talking about any behavior in a child that is viewed as safe behavior but may be considered excessive to some parents or adults. Examples of behaviors in children that may be viewed as attention seeking are; baby talk or whining that is not age appropriate, excessive talking or questioning, over exaggerating minor injuries or falls, interrupting or pulling on a parent when they are otherwise occupied, loud crying or screaming, etc. As you know the list for how our children can attempt to get our attention can go on and on and on. I for one have seen each and every behavior in my child and trust me there are times where I want to call him on it! “You are FINE! You can walk after tripping on the carpet!” or “Stop talking like a baby you are a BIG BOY! You can do it yourself!” But on the minor occasions I have lost it (which is human) I realize that 1. I am not getting to the cause of this behavior and 2. If I continue to dismiss it or correct it without trying to understand it he may just never learn HOW to come to me. The idea of my child not wanting to turn to me in any aspect is much worse than dealing with the whining and the screaming. BUT why not remedy both?
Back to the idea that attention seeking is used to “elicit attention or validation”---> My child wants attention from me or he needs me to validate his feelings or actions. HOW IS THAT A BAD THING!? Our job as parents is not to keep them from seeking our attention but to help them figure out healthy ways to do so, and also to understand that maybe what they are seeking isn’t just attention but actual human connection. The need to be truly seen, which is honestly what drives healthy human relationships. Another important aspect of this to address with kids (and in adults too!) is to come up with solutions for them to fill those needs within themselves when appropriate. What are we looking for? How can we ask for it from others? And how can we support our own needs? Let’s officially dive in!
How to Connect
When our child is pulling at us, yelling, throwing things around the house hoping we take notice, we have usually surpassed the moment where simply asking them to “wait” or “stop” has any effect. Now as moms and parents the idea that we aren’t giving them enough “attention” is ridiculous! We have woken up in the middle of the night to comfort, fixed their meals multiple times hoping they might eat it, we have listened to and answered their millions of questions, laughed at their made up jokes, read, snuggled, answered their bellowing yells...WHAT MORE DO THEY WANT!? While we all need to acknowledge our own needs, and it is more than OKAY to take a moment, turn on a show, hand over our phones and just breathe for a minute…chances are they will still need our immediate attention when we are done. Sometimes amongst all the “giving” we have failed to actually just “be”. All humans want to feel that genuine connection with someone else. That moment where we feel we are receiving 100% of their attention; no multitasking, no distractions, no rushing, and no agenda from the other individual. In order to avoid that attention seeking behavior, we need to be proactive and give them the connection they are craving first.
For me, turning off everything else, being completely in the moment, and letting him lead his play with me is much harder than it sounds. The idea of sitting and playing in the way children do doesn’t come naturally anymore to many adults. I want to do a whole post on this soon, but for now let’s figure out how we can be there in the way our kids need that is realistic for us. Even if we only have a short window to offer, we can meet our children’s emotional needs with just 10-15 minutes of uninterrupted play. You can find specific “rules” to this which is referred to as Mind, Body, and Soul Time, but the idea is that you give your child 10-15 minutes of 100% you. They pick the activity, you let them be the leader and guide you through their play, and most importantly, absolutely no screens during this time. This gives them time to truly connect and feel that they are seen and heard. Meeting that emotional connection we all crave from the ones we love can save hours of “attention seeking behavior” with just 10 minutes of true connection. Pretty wonderful right!?
The idea behind the 10-15 minute “Mind, Body and Soul Time” is to let your child pick the activity but in some instances they may want you to come up with some ideas or they may be too young to initiate play. So I will share some ideas of quality time and uninterrupted play that Manny and I have done together over the years;
Reading Together! This is a pretty standard activity for most parents, but cannot be emphasized enough as it has so many amazing benefits. To make it extra special and cozy, I love to get pillows and blankets around us, grab a pile of books and get lost in some stories together.
Building Blocks or Legos! This is one we actually have not done in a while but is a great activity for a range of ages. Something that can be a little difficult with this for me, is to let it be 100% kid led. As adults, it’s hard not to have a plan and show our littles exactly what techniques work or be a part of our own creative process. But remember this is their time to lead and feel heard and seen. So keep that in mind!
Playing Pretend or Make Believe This is Manny’s favorite! If he picks an activity, 99% of the time it is playing pretend with his characters. This one is surprisingly hard for me. Playing without a plan or a goal and just getting lost in your imagination is hard for a lot of adults. However this is an activity that helps grow their little brains so much and one that older kids truly love engaging in with their grownups. So we do it, and it ends up being pretty great.
Really there is no wrong activity. Your little one will love the uninterrupted time to engage with you no matter what.
Just Ask
Yay so we have figured out small ways to connect and interact with our child that fulfills their emotional needs! Now let's figure out ways to help them come up with better communication strategies to meet those needs. One thing I have done with Manny is to just simply ask, “do you need mommy’s attention?” He is at the age now that he will stop whatever “behavior” he is doing and respond “yes or no”. Sometimes he is just grumpy, (hangry, tired or just grumpy because he is human) and will say no and we figure out another solution, but most of the time he needs me. I will bend down and just connect with him in any way he needs. Let me tell you getting to their eye level, letting them know you are here and giving a hug goes a long way!
Find a Sign
Some kiddos may be too worked up to communicate effectively or too young. Screaming and crying is sometimes the only way they know how to express their needs. Helping come up with a sign or a word might be a great way for them to tell you they need you without everyone losing their minds just a tad. Possibly coming up and hugging your leg, bringing a specific toy that signifies “I really need you”, saying a special word or even a funny word to shift the mood. This is something you can do with your little one and your whole family to find a universal way to say “I need you, I need to connect”.
Cozy Corner
When I had the daycare we had a great little cozy corner with signs expressing emotions, quiet toys, and lots of comfy pillows. This was an area of escape, a place they were encouraged to check out when they just needed a minute. When emotions in our little ones run high and they haven’t quite learned to regulate yet it can be almost impossible for them to calm down to ask for your attention/connection. Helping them learn to sit, breath, and play for a minute helps them calm themselves. Meet that initial need for themselves and then they can come find you. OR for your younger ones maybe them being in a specific area can signal to you; oh I need to go check in. Who knows, maybe just by taking a moment they have even met their own emotional needs. :)
There have been so many studies and theories throughout history on human behavior and our need for other people. We are hardwired to connect with others. One of THE most crucial aspects of human development is attachment and the need for infants to connect to at least one primary caregiver in order for them to find the security they need to then begin to explore the world around them. So if we need this as humans to even begin to mentally and emotionally develop then why is the idea that we continue this so hard to grasp sometimes? Children AND adults need to know they continue to be seen, heard and loved by those around them. Helping our little ones find ways to effectively communicate this need as well as helping ourselves as parents understand the need can bring a little bit more peace and A LOT more love and connection.
