30 Something; Female Friendships Part II… A Love Letter
I have been feeling a little down over the last few weeks. No reason in particular, just more of the ebb and flow of life. One thing I miss during these times are my friendships and having my people around me. As an extrovert, social interaction really does charge my batteries and can really alter my mood and energy level. As someone with anxiety, a tendency to people please, and read into social interactions, who I choose to surround myself with can really make a difference. I can leave social situations feeling even more anxious and isolated.
It can take a while for me to feel completely safe in a relationship/friendship. Safety to me is the sense that no matter what happens, what life throws at us, what mood I find myself in; I won’t get judged or left. Now, this is not to say that relationships shouldn’t have boundaries, the freedom for both people to speak their truth, or even the room for pushback and to be challenged. The safety piece allows me to have all of those aspects of a friendship and not leave the situation wondering where we stand.
I am very aware that the majority of this falls on me and is very much mine to acknowledge and work through, however my connection with people and gut feelings have really helped me create my own community. There are people I have connected with immediately and within hanging out a handful of times I just know; this is genuine, this is my person. We can be ourselves, offer differing opinions, challenge and support each other. My personal tell is if I can go long periods of time without interaction and still not question the closeness. Then there are friends that I have known for years, gone through so many ups and down with and I still never felt a sense of relational safety for whatever reason. Something always felt contingent on one thing or another.
While clearly not all of my close friendships are based on longevity, I can say that I was lucky enough to meet many of my chosen family either in early childhood or middle school/ high school. This is not to say that growing up there were not moments of absolute panic and dread that everyone would leave me and my world would fall apart (real flair for the dramatic this one) but being able to grow through these moments helped me realize that this is the real deal.
So in part, this is my love letter to them.
Psychologists and social workers have formed theories of how friendships develop, change and grow. The two most common types of relational theories are the ABCDE model developed by George Levinger, and Knapp and Vangelisti’s Relationship Model. Within these relationships there are various ways of grouping and defining various types of friendships. There are two that are arguably the most well known. The first being Confidants, Constitutes and Comrades proposed by Bishop TD Jakes. The other 3 types of friendships, according to Aristotle, are utility friendships, friendships based on pleasure, and “perfect” friendships.
I usually love taking a closer look at research but for me none of these specific categories or groupings really fit the way that I naturally view and talk about my own relationships. For the sake of organization I did want to come up with my own way of organizing each type of friendship that I will be referencing. Therefore I came up with 3 groups of my own that are specific to my own experiences; Magic friends, formative and forever, and here and now.
MAGIC FRIENDS
These types of incredible friendships are what I refer to as “magic friends”. These relationships can happen at any stage in life but usually during a very formative and almost nostalgic period; early childhood, school age, college… They have shaped you in one way or another and may not be in your life still or at least continually; but they will always hold a piece of you, a piece of “magic”.
As I begin to write I hold very specific individuals in mind; in the most magical way. There are those who feel like walking memories; living, breathing time capsules in a sense. I may barely talk to them but just seeing them or any small exchange as simple as an “I love you forever” and I am right back to 8 years old playing dress up and fighting over who gets to be what princess, 12 years old making music videos to the latest Brittany Spears song, or 14 laying in the sun eating ice cream after a day at the lake. They may not necessarily be a part of my life as I know it now; they haven’t seen me grow as mom and watch me fall deeper in love with this new role year after year… they haven’t been privy to hearing about the big highs and lows we all go through in our relationships and marriages, and they haven’t seen this amazing little family of mine that I have grown with and for and all the ways they have empowered me, challenged me and shaped me. But… they were there when I cared for my baby dolls; dressing them, feeding them, tucking them in to bed… when I dreamed up my first ever wedding, most likely to Johnathon Taylor Thomas, and declared my love for someone new every few months… and they were also there when I would dance with abandon, sing at the top of my lungs, and would laugh until one of us peed. They were and are absolute magic to me. Even if they don’t see pieces of my life now; they also hold so many unseen pieces to my beginnings and have shaped me into the mom, wife, and woman I am; as simple as that.
FORMATIVE AND FOREVER
Then I have another category/group of equally incredible and formative friendships. These girls are my sons “aunties”, my safe space, the ones who have known me in almost every stage of my life; from sassy, at times God awful preteens, wild highschoolers pushing all the limits, post high school grads/ college kids on the road to self-discovery… Some of us have moved across the country and found our way back, while others moved and stayed creating a new life elsewhere, myself included. No matter the stage or the distance we always found our way through or even back to one another. We know each other’s hearts, we’ve held each other through heartbreak and events that stopped each of us in our tracks, we’ve challenged one another and butted heads, but most importantly we have stayed. Not out of obligation or the notion we had to, but because we wanted to.
One thing about these early relationships that happen throughout formative stages is they are linked with so many defining moments in our life. Letting go of these friendships can feel like we are tainting an entire experience or huge chunk of our life. Letting go of them feels like we are letting go of all of it. For this reason I believe a lot of us stay in friendships that no longer serve us or don’t allow us to grow. Knowing when to say goodbye to someone or at least put up a different set of boundaries can feel near impossible but can also be crucial for our own mental health and building other relationships in our life. The difference to me between some amazing friendships that fizzled out and these “formative and forever” friends is just that; we’ve allowed one another to grow.
Sometimes I find myself thinking ‘if I met some of these girls now would we still be friends?’ While I like to think of it a little bit like cheesy soulmates; we would have found each other, the short answer is probably not. Not because they haven’t grown into even more incredible women, but because we probably wouldn’t find each other in the same spaces. That’s one thing about allowing one another to grow; you get to see your friends find themselves. We are a compilation of completely different individuals who really share one main thing in common; we love one another.
There is the friend who has always known who they are; whether she initially knew it herself or not. She dances through the world with acceptance and wonder, collecting items, food and people along the way. You wish she would rub off on you in one way or another, just to see the world through her eyes just once. Being in her presence is humbling and grounding and you hope she never changes.
Then we have the one that challenges us, themselves and everyone around them in the most profound way. She challenges “norms”, social concepts and ideas. She desires to get to know so many new and amazing people all while discovering herself with every new point of view and experience. She doesn’t back down from a debate and feels things passionately and wholeheartedly but most of all because of this she makes you a stronger, better and more well rounded person for knowing her.
There are the friends who disappear for a bit, fall into their own life of work, new relationships and families. The ones you think may slip away but they are always there when you need them, will always check in and show up.
There is one that surprises you. The one who you were never really sure where you stood or what growing up would look like with them but then they slowly show you. They love you in the way they can and know how but as they grow their ability to be vulnerable grows. And you just feel lucky they chose to share it with you and continue to share every piece of themselves.
The one who grows but never really changes. You get to see the side of them that their adult friends may not; their hilarious one liners, their goofy childlike side, their fears and neuroses, and their wonderful complexities. To know her is to accept her and to accept her is to love her.
The one who surrounds herself with groups of people. She kind of bounces around but not in a wanderlust way. She puts down roots with each set of friends, bringing people together and making everyone feel the fun and joy she radiates. She creates fun and excitement wherever she goes and I swear her knack to tell a story is what makes you feel connected to each group/experience she cultivates. If you get to see her solemn more thoughtful side you feel even more privileged than you already did.
Then there is the one that is more like a sister than a friend. While this is arguably all of these amazing girls, I like to think we each have that one person. The one who you just decided one day that if you never made another friend, formed another relationship or everything burnt to the ground; you’d still be okay because you had them. You can call each other out on anything and everything, turn to each other in times of need, and be overbearingly and obnoxiously yourself. You can go weeks without talking and then easily burn through two hours on the phone catching up. The secret third partner in your relationship, the one who is exempt from “don’t worry I won’t tell anyone”, and the one who makes you believe that soulmates can be found in the form of best friends too.
These women are my family. Not exclusively of course, as I have met so many wonderful people that have found their way into my life forever; but they make me feel brave enough to find and build new friendships. They also set the bar pretty high and gave me a standard of the type of friendships I hope to continue to find the older I get; which brings me to my next category…
Here and Now
As I mentioned in my last piece; evolutionarily, women relied on non-genetically related groups to aid in child rearing, support and safety. I also linked research which reveals our natural stress response to turn towards others for emotional support and the overwhelming health benefits that can derive from this.
With that being said, it seems that adult women friendships are extremely instinctual and beneficial for us; but not as easy to come by. We are no longer thrown into groups of women in the way that we once historically were. I am speaking very specifically from my own experience and more stereotypically of western culture. There are still many cultures that exist within large familial or non-familial groups who co-exist together providing that same wonderful support. There is so much research on specific cultures and these habits, among others, that lead to a longer life expectancy; but that is a topic for another day.
Typically the only non-familial groups we find ourselves semi-non voluntarily thrown into as adults may be work groups, if we have kids then our children’s school or play groups, or groups that form from specific hobbies or interests. For the most part we are still seeking out these friendships and women who may surround us during arguably one of the most pivotal and everlasting stages in our life; adulthood.
Referring back to the other two friendship categories I referenced in my own life; it is understandable that building that type of bond, trust and connection can be a big ask of those we are meeting in this stage of adulthood. While I don’t expect to start out feeling like I have 10 plus years of friendship with someone I just met, I do need a sense of connection and trust. I once had a good friend remind me as I was feeling the pressure to make friends with all the moms in my son’s class; ‘you don’t have to be best friends with everybody, you can have different levels/kinds of friendships.’ As someone with an all or nothing personality, this has always been something I struggled with. I have had to learn to approach friendships a little differently at this point in my life and I think a lot of women struggle with this. Making adult friendships can be so HARD. With this in mind I will wrap up my mini ‘friendship series’ next week with part 3. I want to take this time to talk about the difficulties of making friends as a ‘30 Something’ and older, offer possible bits of advice and encouragement and as always talk about our “why”.
See you soon!
