30 Something; Female Friendships Part I

Most things in life have an ebb and flow. Writing and this blog has been very much like that for me. In order to create I need the time and space; not only within my routine, schedule, and home, but mentally and emotionally as well. There are times when ideas excite me and are flowing in my mind but I have no actual time to stop and write. Then when I do find the time, the moment is gone and I am blank. Finding this nearly unattainable balance has been extremely hard but worth it.

All that to say, I am back! (for now) And once again I have a string of ideas and themes running through my head but my main focus will be finishing up my 30 Something Series and continuing Titi Tuesdays (that very well may not fall on a Tuesday). 

So off we go… 

For the next few weeks I want to talk about friendships in our 30’s. Or really adult friendships at any age; particularly women friendships. I differentiate not to exclude, but to identify the importance of these specific and unique friendships. 

My Experience 

My husband and I have a very similar outlook on our close friend groups. We consider our friends an extension of our family, “our chosen family”. We came into our relationship together with a group of “non negotiable” people, take it or leave it. He is uniquely incredible at building a community around him in almost every setting. For the first few years of our life here in Fort Collins my social bucket was filled 90% from the group of guys he worked with. While I was extremely thankful to have a sense of community as we navigated not only moving across the country but starting a family, it was a very different dynamic than what I needed. Regardless of all the love and effort put into us by this amazing group of friends; throwing our baby shower, traveling to our wedding, attending now SEVEN years worth of Manny’s birthdays… it wasn’t solely mine. 

Throughout pregnancy I fell into a deep depression and anxiety spiral. I am sure a huge chunk of that can be attributed to hormones but on top of that I had no support system around me. My husband worked nights and weekends, I had a job that had very little adult interaction (I was a nanny), and my closest friends and family were across the country. Not only that, but I was changing and growing alone. Even after my son was born and I fell into a role I felt I was made for; I was still very much navigating it in a setting that felt fairly isolated. 

While that was 8 years ago and every aspect of my support system has grown here, it paints a very real picture of how important women friendships can feel for our emotional wellbeing. Even with the support of my husband, new amazing friends here, and my parents moving here to be with us last year… I still feel a bit in search of “my” tribe, my people. 

My mom is facing a similar struggle here now as well. Looking for not only companionship in friendship here, but others who she feels she can emotionally connect with on a deeper level. The lack of a community of women around here or available to her is understandably hard. 

So of course this got me thinking about how deeply personal and once again necessary these friendships feel, and I wanted to know a little more about “why”. 

Why Women Friendships Feel so Vital; An Evolutionary Deep Dive

From an evolutionary perspective, women were in charge of staying with their offspring and stayed within groups for safety and security. In many cases these women were thrown together in groups with no genetically related female relatives but still had to rely on the women around them to help with child-rearing, sharing of food, and defense. Therefore, women had to be very intentional in who they chose to surround themselves with and had to know who would be the most nurturing, trustworthy, and loyal. Men went off to protect and hunt and likewise surrounded themselves with those who were most capable and successful in those spaces and activities. 

Not only can we see the social similarities of this evolutionary response in today’s friendships and interactions but a study from UCLA suggests that women's relationships also play a factor in our health, well-being, and overall longevity. An example is that further studies have shown that stress responses may also be very reflective of this early evolutionary piece. 

This is not to diminish these relationships or to suggest there are not very strong emotional and supportive connections made among male friendships, it is to simply highlight the evolutionary component of the importance of female friendships and why they may present differently and offer very different ways of support.

To further understand stress responses to threats, the Tend and Befriend Theory was formed. Simply put, the theory is that under conditions of threat and stress, tending to offspring and coming together with others (befriend) is a common response for humans. Within this study researchers point out that “tend and befriend” responses to stress may be particularly characteristic of women.

The study also states that this does not mean that the tend and befriends theory is exclusive to women, as both men and women turn to others for protection and comfort. However, women are more likely to seek social support in response to stress (tend and befriend), while men may respond in a more fight or flight response. 

More research from UCLA suggests that on a biological level, hormones within our nervous system, specifically oxytocin and the opioid system, alleviate some biological stress responses. Studies showed that within women, oxytocin levels were related to absence of positive relationships and social isolation. Basically, social pain and separation are both psychologically and physiologically distressing and can change our biological makeup when experiencing these events. Evidence is overwhelming that social responses to threat in the form of tending and befriending are associated with beneficial mental and physical health. 

In Conclusion 

No wonder these close relationships feel so meaningful and important! Women friendships are what have kept us safe, healthy, and thriving since the beginning. What started as a survival response has continued to affect our biological makeup and positively impacted our nervous system and stress responses. We are wired to form these magical bonds and connections with others outside of our family group; that’s why it seems so viscerally necessary- because it is! 

To note again, I don’t think it has to be or should be “sex segregated” to find support of comfort outside of ourselves or even our family. I think each generation is closing the gap with the idea that gender and relationships have to look a certain way, or that emotional vulnerability is something we have to internalize. Which reminds me, there are also studies that have shown men are especially vulnerable to early mortality due to homicide, suicide, and heart disease or disorders related to substance abuse for coping with stress. Women on the other hand, enjoy a substantial advantage in mortality in most countries. Therefore, I think diving in a little more and exploring adult women friendships seems to be more meaningful than ever. 

What’s To Come

Thanks for getting a little heady with me! I don’t think I could write about the unique characteristics and importance of these relationships without some actual “evidence” that they are intrinsically unique.

Now that we may have a further understanding, I am excited to talk about my own amazing friendships next week as well as discuss the difficulty of making friendships as an adult. It is something as I mentioned that I have struggled with. Can’t wait to talk further about these awesome relationships.