Should Kids Come with "Warning Labels?"
Welcome to my first blog! I’ve never written publicly before in any form, so bear with me. I wanted to start this blog, and really the whole concept of my business, to really bridge the gap between child care providers and parents. As a parent myself now, I felt I was finally able to understand both sides. After being solely on the care provider side for so many years, however, I still felt this giant disconnect as a parent. Why was I able to be patient with the kids in care in a way I couldn't be with my son? Why did I understand that certain behaviors were completely developmentally appropriate for other children but try to change those behaviors in my own child? And Why after years of studying and working with children did I still feel so lost with mine?
I think in some way, we all think other parents have answers or skills that we don’t possess and it makes us feel, just a tad bit, like we are failing. I have parents that acknowledge my patience, and creativity with their kids and lovingly assume what sort of mother I must be. The truth is though, I am just as lost as anyone else. We all try our best, and some days our best is 3 movies and pizza while other days we might whip out 3 art projects and a platter of veggies.
This blog will hopefully be a place where we can support one another. I can share my journey as both a care provider and parent. And as a care provider, I can better understand how to support my parents and kiddos, and what we expect from one another.
Let’s jump on in. One idea, or parenting theme if you will, that keeps popping up is
that nearly every parent I have met, including myself, feels the need to give a “heads up” about their little one. Now this is extremely appropriate and actually appreciated for those who are placing their child in care, as I need to know specific concerns you may have and ways a child may express themselves. What I noticed though, is this heavy fear that others may judge your kid; For crying too long, or throwing multiple tantrums, or maybe being too “touchy feely”. Let me add that ALL of these are especially my child and my fears. Will people see his big emotions as manipulative or not age appropriate? Will they think his multiple hugs and sweet rubs on the arm are inappropriate or weird? Everyone wants their child to be loved and accepted for exactly who they are. Yes, as a parent it is my job to make sure that he learns appropriate times and places for his actions, to respect others and learn how to help him understand his emotions, but why do I feel this internal need to send him off with a million “disclaimers” for just being his 4 year old self? I noticed that this was also a huge fear of other parents leaving their kids in my care. Would I accept them for who they are at this point in time?
Since my son is home during daycare hours, sometimes I also felt that I had to have them accept every emotion he may be going through. Why he can be seen screaming or crying over having to share his toys and his space, or why he is in his room on an iPad for big chunks of pick up and drop off. The more that I explained his behaviors the more they seemed to respond in complete understanding; “Oh of course he's having a hard time, this is his home.” “It has to be so hard sharing his mom and his toys and dealing with so many changes, poor kid.” Just hearing these reactions gave me an immediate sense of relief and validation. I, of course, knew why he was reacting these ways too, and knew how situationally appropriate it was, but I needed THEM to say it.
And it went both ways. The more they would express their concerns for their own children the more I actually loved their sweet kids and their extremely child appropriate way of expressing themselves. What we needed from each other though, was knowing the other would accept their kid for exactly who they are in that moment.
Once again this is expected in a setting where I will be caring for someone’s kids, and their kid will be around my child as well, but the internal struggle of putting this “warning” up ahead of time, at least for myself, is always there no matter what the setting.
It is normal to want other people to love your kids and to accept them wholeheartedly. But I started to realize that if other parents seem to see the normalcy in this, and as a parent and
friend on the receiving end of other’s concerns, I smile and see nothing but a wonderful kid being a kid, then why do we continue to put this “disclaimer” up? I almost said “why do we not see this ourselves?” But that’s not the right wording, because, of course we see it. We are the parents or caretakers of these beautiful, intense, hilarious and complicated little human beings. We see how wonderful they are even when they are driving us up the walls, and we see how much love they give in every small emotion, request to play, or big, tearful meltdown. We see it, we feel it - but the fear is other people won’t.
So I am trying to remind myself that if I see it in my kid and have these thoughts, and I see other parents having these same thoughts and concerns, then maybe there should be more mental grace for ourselves as parents and our kids for just being tiny humans in a crazy world.
And now, back to the question “Why do we feel we need to put a disclaimer or give a heads up about our kids?” To me, it is a 2 part answer;
We just want others to understand how wonderful they are and to not judge them or us.
We don’t understand how normal this feeling of fear is, and that other parents are probably feeling it as well.
Most parents are too busy watching and worrying about their own child to worry about yours, and vise versa. So let’s extend the grace that we extend to other parents to ourselves. When I see a kid melting down in a grocery store my genuine reaction is to smile and think how normal that is, or find the cute, little, hilarity in how kids are so genuinely themselves. However, if it is my own kid, I am tense and praying in my head that he gets up soon, and spinning around to see who might be watching or judging. If I can react with that same calm and acceptance to other parents and their kids then I should be able to extend that to myself and my son as well.
The other way to look at it is if you are watching other parents with more understanding and support, then chances are they are looking at you with the same love.
As a reminder to all my parents and friends, this is in no way discouraging one another from stating specific concerns about our little ones or behaviors that we might be extra struggling with; please ALWAYS do. This post is just another reminder that I think we are all more alike than we realize. There is so much mom judgement out there and I think most of it is just fear that we ourselves are getting judged, so some people judge first. From what I have seen in person between the wonderful moms and caregivers I know, and what I feel internally though, is that we all extend a lot more love and understanding to one another’s children than we might think. Just know that I love your kid and their passionate way of expressing themselves, their zippy one liners, and their boat loads of energy that I wish I had.
